No. 17 - Bangladesh - Vinda-moo!

I’ll keep this one short and spicy today. I thought that a curry made with beef was a complete food faux pas – two foods that should never share a pot, just don’t belong, like, I don’t know, spag spud. I can knock it because I’ve tried it and truth be told, no, it’s not bad, (I accept bolognese on a baked potato) but come on? Spag spud? It’s just plain wrong. Oh, here we go, even worse! Spag rice. Please. I take this type of thing very seriously and that is saying something because there are very (very) few things that I won’t eat together. Icecream and chips anyone? Oh and curry, cheese, coleslaw and chips is a solid classic.

However I can sleep sound tonight knowing that, beef and curry not only, no longer belong in the category “food not eaten together” but that they are a match made in curry heaven. Bangladesh (why didn’t I think of that). Beef curry, cow and curry, finally in the same sentence! Kosher beef mind, but you can’t have everything.

This is your basic vindaloo, Bangladesh stylee. I couldn’t resist the temptation of adding a tin of tomatoes though, but I think that tomato makes all the difference to any curry. This vindaloo gets your taste buds running riot, like that fig roll ad in reverse; as hot as you like and perfect extinguished with a beer so cold it hurts. Perfect for these hot summer nights.

Beef Vindaloo

The only problem with beef in a curry is how long it needs to be stewed before it becomes meltingly tender. I bought really cheap tough meat (nothing wrong with that) and it took three hours and plenty of patience to get it where I wanted it.  The smell that this vindaloo wafts, is a mouth-watering force to be reckoned with, so be prepared to suffer the wait. You know it’s worth it.

Feeling hot, hot, hot.

Serves 2 greedy people

400g beef, cubed

I small onion, finely chopped

3 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

oil, for frying

a knob of ginger, finely chopped

1 tsp cumin

1 ½ tsp coriander

1 tsp tumeric

a heaped tsp wholegrain mustard

2 tsp cayenne pepper, add less if you require less heat

½ tsp  black pepper

1 tsp salt

2 tbsp white vinegar

2 chili’s, cut in half lengthways, seeds in of course

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

½ tin of water

Fry the onion, garlic, ginger, and chili in a pan until the onions are soft. Line up your spices and start bunging them in. Let them fry for a couple of minutes and then add the beef, tomatoes and water. Cover and simmer until the meat is completely tender. Serve with the usual, rice, naan and garlicky yogurt and an ice cold beer.

No. 16 - Bahrain and the Night of the Chicken Machboos!

Another home-house rendition of Culinisation. This time Bahrain brought together my family and the so-called WAG’s, who made the journey to Sligo last weekend for Buckfest 2011. On the night of the Chicken Machboos, the wine was certainly flowing. There was wine, emergency wine and then, emergency wine and beer for the emergency wine. Somewhere into the emergency wine for the emergency wine, as we sat huddled under blankets outside my house, we spotted a UFO (an unidentified fixed object). It was down by the water and it glowed with a grey/whitish light that suddenly went out. After some squeals and hand grasping, we noticed that the silhouette could still be seen, jutting up into the horizon. It’s difficult to say how much time passed before we plucked up the courage to, armed with our t-light lanterns, take a closer look.

I managed, against the girl’s better judgment, to wade through the sand, sludge and stones to discover what was, of course, a tree. This still doesn’t explain the light though. Da troot is still out there.

Chicken Machboos

Chicken Machboos (chicken and rice) has all the ingredients of a curry (every spice under the sun and some), yet its flavors are far more subtle. You can taste all of the spices because there is little or no heat to overpower them. I shouldn’t even call it a curry of course. If it’s a curry that you want, this is not it. If you crave fire, extinguished with an ice-cold beer, wait couple of days until Bangladesh. If you are sick of ordering curry’s that make you sweat buckets, eyes water and you can’t understand why anyone would ever endure such a burning pain for every mouthful, go with the Machboos.

Machboos is really simple to make and is essentially a heatless curry that has rice cooked in it, kind of like a biryani. Like with all of these eastern countries, you need a stocked spice rack, but if you don’t already have one, I would recommend going out and buy one of everything. You may think, what is the point in buying a certain spice when a recipe only requires a tiny amount? Trust me, if you buy them, you’ll use them for everything. Another perk is you’ll be able to make a variety of dishes in the future without having to buy many ingredients. All I needed to buy for this was chicken and some coriander. Not bad. You’ve got to love a one pot wonder too.

Another ingredient this recipe requires is buharat spice mix, which is unique to Bahrain. Turns out I went through the mix, and the ingredients in a buharat spice mix are spice for spice the exact same as your good old curry powder. This is one spice I wouldn’t bother buying especially for this dish.

Serves 5

5 chicken legs, cut into drumsticks and thighs

3 onions, finely chopped

enough curry powder to marinade the chicken

1 chilli, deseeded and chopped

a chunk of ginger, chopped

1 tsp. cumin

½ tsp. cinnamon

2 cardamon pods, whole

1 ½ tsp. turmeric

2 ½  cups of long grain rice

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

salt

5 cups of water or chicken stock. (I just threw in a stock cube)

juice of ½ lemon

oil for frying

lemon wedges to serve

coriander leaves to serve

In a large bowl, cover the chicken pieces with curry powder. Fry the chicken in a deep saucepan until browned on all sides and set aside. Fry the onion, ginger and chili in the remaining oil with all of the additional spices for a couple of minutes. Return the chicken to the pan with a tin of chopped tomatoes and a cup of the chicken stock or water. Simmer for 45 minutes over a low heat until the chicken is cooked.

Add the rice and remaining chicken stock or water to the pan and simmer until the rice is cooked. Stir in the juice of half a lemon. Serve with coriander, lemon wedges and chutney. Yum.

No. 15 - Whelkome to B and the Bahamas!

Whelks were the order of the day today tonight, and the first of the B’s certainly delivered something worth writing home about. A conch pronounced cock, I mean conk, is a mollusk that resides in those pretty pink sea-snail shells. They can be mistaken for whelks, their uglier and smaller counterpart. You guessed it, whelks are what I used today. I was lucky to find them in the excellent Chinese shop down the road, that seems to stock everything from clams to crabs and everything in-between. Needless to say, they have plenty of bizarre animal parts up for grabs too. I had considered using clams, but these ugly snails just looked too disgustingly inedible and too much like aliens parasites - I had to have them. 

I have never considered myself (too) squeamish and have always prided myself on trying my hand at anything involving unusual meat or fish. I also believe that if you aren’t prepared to kill your own food, you shouldn’t be prepared to eat it. I see little difference between, for example chicken and chickens, except of course for the obvious fact that one is dead and one is still clucking. For the record, I was totally prepared to kill these slithering snails (and was looking forward to smelling them sizzle in my pan). It was hacking off the moving limbs and organs, with my bare hands, of a very much alive and slithering whelk that was the problem. I considered plunging them into boiling water to kill them instantly, but thought the better of it - just grow a pair and bare them live.

It was all very dramatic. I gave it a fair go, but my girly instincts meant I squealed and recoiled and became giddy – I’m flinching even as I write this and I can’t stop, my face is nearly sore from flinching. They are giant snails after all, alive and slithering. Who knows if they could feel anything. Somewhere between being barbarically evicted from of their home, getting their so called foot and tiny penis (see the photo below) brutally amputated with a blunt knife,  my courageous boyfriend (who scoffed and stepped up after my dramatics) put them out of their misery. Slowly, I would imagine. Time of death? It’s difficult to say.  Surely they must have been dead by the time I cut them up with a scissors?

For the record Luke thinks they were already dead. They were not. He wants to clear his name as welch killer. He’s also in denial. 

Whelk or Conch Chowder

Despite all of the drama an bother of getting to the actual cooking of the whelks, this recipe is a very simple and tasty one. The whelk tastes a bit like scallops and had the texture of rubbery squid. This recipe calls for the whelks to be cooked long and slowly so that they tenderize nicely. Mine were on for an hour and half and this still wasn’t time enough. But we were hungry and tired after the ordeal of cleaning them (I did watch after all), and couldn’t wait any longer. Some bits were tender and some were extremely chewy. Be patient and give it two hours or more, easier still, cut the whelks up into smaller pieces. All in all, this was a tasty and comforting soup with lovely morsels of shellfish and veg. If you fancy some culinary excitement in your life, this is the one for you.

Serves 2

5 whelks, cleaned in salted water (see link below)

1 small red onion, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

1 celery stalk, chopped

1 potato, diced

2 strips of bacon, chopped

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

a dash of worcestershire sauce

40g tin of lobster (for extra fishiness)

a splash of milk or cream (about 200ml)

Clean the whelks and chop them into bite sized pieces (as I didn’t clean them you should watch this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8teuNuqRsg that should explain how to clean a conch, and therefore a whelk). Fry the bacon in a large pan until crispy, then add all of the ingredients except the tinned tomatoes, a splash of water and simmer for about fifteen minutes. Then add the tinned tomatoes, a splash of worcestershire sauce and season with salt and pepper. Simmer until the whelk is tender. Now you're whelkome to enjoy.

No. 14 - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azerbaijan!

Bidding farewell and good riddance to the A’s we finish up running scared from Azerbaijan.*

This meal was relatively uneventful and passed without any particularly mentionable anecdotes. Apart from maybe Ronan, my most helpful helper turning up just in time to help with the tasting of these little unpronounceable yarpag dolmasy’s. Use of vine leaves in this recipe, means yet another opened jar in the back of the fridge that I won’t ever use again but can’t bear to throw out. There is a chance I would finish them off if I didn’t have so many other unusual ingredients to buy and waste half of. So ya, that’s about as exciting as it gets I’m afraid.

*running scared was the winning Eurovision song this year by the way, in case my brilliant wit was undeterred by anyone. It also ties in with running scared from Azkaban - I think I'm on a role here. 

Yarpag dolmasy’s

I halved the (altered) recipe to serve two (and a half) people. You could probably add more rice if you wanted to bulk it up a bit - they were pleasantly and surprisingly meaty. Halved, tinned chickpeas are an additional option. Opening a can of chickpeas for a mere tablespoon or so didn’t seem worth it to me, but if you already have them open in the back of the fridge, why not? The vine leaves were jarred in brine and had a slightly pickled taste before they were rinsed. Afterwards they had the tang of black olives.

Yarpag dolmasy’s are tasty little mouthfuls and they really grow on you, different but in a good way – I think maybe it’s the cinnamon. Wrapping the meat in the vine leaf parcel and lining them in neat concentric circles in a saucepan is highly satisfying, at least for me anyway. They’re cooked for an hour and a half and then – loaded with garlicky yogurt, they’re gone in a mouthful.

1 bundle of vine leaves, rinsed and separated in cold water

250g of minced beef

1 small red onion, chopped finely

¼ tsp turmeric

¼ cinnamon

a handful of chopped parsley

2 tbsp of rice, rinsed in cold water

40g of butter, room temperature

salt and pepper

Garlic Yoghurt

5 heaped tbsp of greek yogurt

½ clove of garlic, minced

salt

Mix all of the ingredients except the vine leaves in a bowl with your hands to ensure everything is evenly distributed. Lay out the vine leaves on a work surface and place a dollop meat mixture in the centre. Fold the leave over and over again, to create a little round parcel (the circular shape is unique to Azerbaijan). Line a saucepan with the parcels and layer them up on top of one another. Place a plate in the pan with a heavy weight on top, this stops the parcels from unraveling, Cover with water up until the plate and simmer for an hour and a half.

Remove with a slotted spoon and serve with greek yogurt mixed with half a clove of minced garlic and some salt. Add a green salad, crusty bread and a punnet of ripe cherry tomatoes and you’re sorted.

No. 13 - Austria - Don’t be a Weiner!

The perfect solitary supper and an indulgent treat for one - perfect if you fancy spoiling yourself, kicking back and enjoying the luxury of a veal chop home alone. This was the dream, but when I asked for a veal chop in the butchers, I couldn’t believe my ears when he weighed it and said it came to €6.15! For a skinny wee veal chop! Needless to say, I looked from the butcher, to the veal chop and back to my designated €5 note and hesitated for probably an embarrassing length of time. The butcher sensing my skepticism agreed that it was a bit expensive so I didn’t feel to bad sending it back to be replaced with a lousy pork chop. Another time, he said, when you want to treat yourself. Problem is, when I want to treat myself I buy a steak.

I wanted to translate the name of the recipe from wiener schnitzel (veal coated in breadcrumbs and fried) to the equivalent pork coated in breadcrumbs and fried. I discovered that schnitzel refers to veal coated in breadcrumbs and fried and Wieners are those sausages, so the jury is still out on what this dish is actually called but I would make a guess and calling it a pork schnitzel seems about right, even if Weiner makes me laugh.

Pork Schnitzel

Obviously a weiner schnitzel is the preferred schnitzel, but the pork one’s not half bad either. It’s really just a glorified breaded pork chop and I had mine with slow roast garlic tomatoes, which recipe doesn’t feature here because it doesn’t technically belong in Austria. I had loads of tomatoes left over from the barbecue and fancied getting rid of them all at once. Its just some crushed garlic, basil and olive oil spooned onto some halved tomatoes and roasted in a low oven for a couple of hours – in case you were wondering. Instead, make yourself a green salad, spritz over some lemon juice and you’re more likely to find yourself in authentic Austria territory. Oh and using a veal escalope might help!

Serves 1

1 pork or veal chop

a plateful of fresh breadcrumbs

a plateful of plain flour

an egg, beaten

vegetable oil for frying

Salt and Pepper

Lay out three plates in front of you with flour in the first one, beaten egg in the second, and breadcrumbs in the third. Lay the chop on a chopping board, cover in cling film and bash to flatten with a rolling pin (or the cling film roll in my case). Try and get the chop as flat and skinny as possible. Season the chop with salt and pepper on both sides.

Then dip into the flour, shake off the excess. Then into the egg, shake off the excess. Then into the breadcrumbs, shake off the excess. Heat the oil in the pan and ensure that it will come half way up the chop when it’s in the pan. Fry the chop in the hot oil for a few minutes aside until just cooked. Serve with a green salad and a spritz of lemon juice if you want an Authentic Austrian Supper.

No. 12 – Australia – Make it a burker !

Choruses of “Gud ay Mate!” were met with my “Alright Darlin” in an Essex accent, in a hula lei and cowboy hat? Australia is one of those countries that just beg’s to have the piss taken out of it (no offense) but, I admit my attempt was absolutely shameful! I am of course talking about Skippy’s Aussie Barbeque Bonanza that graciously took place in Anthony and Noel’s back yard last week. Any excuse for an Alf Stuart impression, some (mildly) funny clothes and yet another piss up (no one could bring themselves to drink, let alone buy Fosters) and of course some vaguely Australian themed food…

                   

It had long been decided that Kangaroo would be the main event, but after weeks of anticipation Skippy decides not to show up, something about him being stuck in France and arriving a couple of weeks late. I arrived all excited about picking him up from the butchers to find that I had missed their call about the delivery delay and walked out of there disheartened and pissed off. However the show must go on; the sausages were bought, the burkers made, not to mention the rest of the A’s can’t be held up simply for a loin of Skippy, so a last minute barbequed shoulder of pork was his replacement. (I have previously joked about Babe being the new guest of honor, but I’m not sure if that’s too far?)

These photo’s are not my own, I’m sure you can tell, and are taken by my buddy Eoin Kirwan. I knew (well hoped) that he’d be taking photos of the night, so I didn’t bother taking any of me actually preparing the food. To be honest I didn’t have the time either and it can be very monotonous, not that I’m complaining. Most importantly though, I knew I wouldn’t include boring marinade rub photo’s when there would be endless great shots of the night. Turns out I was right. I cannot get over how amazing they are (that's why I went a bit over board -  they were all just too good to leave out). Check out his blog at http://visionsandmusings.blogspot.com/

Thanks to everyone who came (I won’t start mentioning names because I may leave one of you out and one of you may get in a huff, not to mention any names – Ronan). Thank you for throwing in fiver, it is much appreciated and means I can eat this week, score! A special thank you to Anthony and Noel who allowed me to take over their back yard for the night, and who had cleared up everything by the time I arrived the next day. It was unexpected but highly appreciated! Thanks again to Anthony Mannion for being manly and manning the barbeque (I’m loving it) with Luke (that’s right, I didn’t cook a thing) and dealing with all of the coal and lighting fluid etc. etc. that I don’t have a notion how to deal with.  Note, the unreal photo’s taken by (my unpaid) photographer Eoin Kirwan, cheers for those. They are savage and put all my other photo's to shame. Last but not least, Fuck you Skippy!

Make it a Burker


Dedicated to Brian Burke after he endured (I use that term loosely) staying up all night and arrived two hours early at the airport to discover the flight was delayed four hours. Come to think of it I’m not even sure that Burke even tasted a burker, who made it very clear he was “only here for the booze”. Spelling mistakes are not my own.

 “in dublin airport, been up all night, absotutely piss drunk....not only am i 2 hours early for my flight but its delayed by another 4 hours, the pubs cant open any sooner!!!

                                                             Brian Burke, 12 July at 07:33, Facebook.

Serves 10 – 12 Burkers

1 kg minced beef

2 eggs

1 tbsp of mustard

5 red onions, finely chopped

2 handfuls of breadcrumbs

2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

1 tsp salt

2 tsp pepper

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Fry the onion and garlic in a frying pan until soft and allow to cool completely. In a large bowl combine all of the burker ingredients and enjoy squelching everything together with your hands. Divide into ten or twelve and make into 2 cm patties. Oil them a little, cover with cling film and allow them to chill in the fridge until needed.

Rip open a decent burker bun and load with the burker, tomatoes, coleslaw, lettuce leaves, sliced cheese, sliced onion, mayo and ketchup and have a napkin at the ready or at least be outdoors!

Chicken Drumsticks

I’m not really a big fan of chicken and tend to feel that a barbeque should be a real carnivore affair and a collaboration of serious meat eaters tending the Barbie.  But then again, there is something to be said for gnawing on a bone and a chicken drumstick is perfect for this positively carnivorous activity, as well as providing sweet, salty, crispy barbeque skin, yum. I precooked these in the oven at home first because I didn’t trust myself or anyone else for that matter to achieve thoroughly cooked chicken. Raw inside and a burnt crust would be inevitable and the burnt tarnish on the burkers was proof of this. They were just heated up and given an extra barbequey smokey skin. Needless to say you can do this with chicken wings, thighs or whatever although skin is essential.

Makes 15 drumsticks

15 drumsticks or about 2kg

2 tbsp sesame oil

4 tbsp honey

4 tbsp sweet chilli sauce

2 tbsp light soya sauce

a decent piece of ginger, grated

1 tsp english mustard.

Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. In a bowl mix all of the above ingredients except the chicken drumsticks. Put the drumsticks in a suitable baking tray and cover with the marinade. Mix everything thoroughly with you hand making sure it coats inch of the chicken. Pop the tray in the oven for about an hour or until the chicken skin is blistered and crispy. I kept turning them every twenty minutes or so to ensure that all side would be crispy on all sides.

Barbeque Pork Belly

Skippy’s understudy Babe, became the guest of honor after I got this recipe from an Australian griller’s website. It didn’t hurt that it’s really simple to prepare and takes virtually no looking after once it is on the barbeque (when I say barbeque I mean my oven, cheating I know). It just a shoulder of pork on the bone, rubbed all over with a dry barbeque rub and cooked slowly for eight to ten hours, at a very low temperature. The result is a really sweet, spicy and blackened crust on the outside and pork that falls and pulls apart with a fork on the inside. The shoulder bone comes out spotlessly clean. Savage in a soft bap with some hot sauce and coleslaw, the way the Aussie recommended it. It’s not exactly the type of thing you can pull out of the bag last minute but if you know in advance, it’s a great one to feed the masses - my poor mans version of a pig on a spit. It’s a certified crowd pleaser and plenty of oh’s and ah’s resonated around the back of Mannion’s and Noel’s when it was unveiled up. Fuck Skippy.

1 shoulder of pork

apple juice for basting

For the rub

2 tbsp Salt

¼ cup brown sugar

1 tbsp garlic powder

5 tbsp paprika

1 tbsp black pepper

1 tbsp chili powder

Preheat oven to 120 degrees. Mix the rub ingredients together and cover the pork shoulder entirely, rubbing it in with your fingers and getting it into every crevice. Put into the oven with a dish of water to stop the oven from drying out too much. Baste every hour or two hours with apple juice for between eight and ten hours. The outside will go completely black but this is normal.

Take out of the oven and wrap very well with tin foil. Let rest for two hours. Carve up and serve in soft baps with hot sauce and coleslaw. Delicious!!!!!

Potato Salad

This recipe is does not really deserve to be here as it is so simple but I do love a bit of potato salad and you’d be surprised the amount of people who ask what is in it! I do love a bit of potato salad in a burker (with extra mayonnaise of course). Double carbs – yes!

Cook potatoes and while still warm add a colossal amount of salt and pepper, chopped spring onion and half mix, half mash in as much mayonnaise as your conscious will allow you!!!

Coleslaw


Although potato salad is not for the calories conscious, you can eat as much of this particular coleslaw as you like. It involves my new favorite instrument of choice, a cheese grater, but not the one you’re thinking of, the one for making shavings of cheese (I didn’t even know I owned one of these bad boys, so have a look). I have made coleslaw using the grater attachment on my blender (using the blender means you get big massive lumps of onion and then pulverized carrot ), but chopping, slicing and shaving everything yourself means you get a far superior coleslaw. It’s really chunky, refreshing and zingy and nothing like the soggy mayonnaise drenched stuff you buy in the shops (although that does have its place). It always pissed me off how coleslaw does not count as one of the (rank) two salad and one meat rolls you get in Centra – you know the one I mean. This makes no sense to me. Finally, hurray for coleslaw that means we’re well on our way to our five a day!

½ white cabbage, shredded as thinly as possible by your good self

4 carrots, peeled and shredded using the cheese grater (careful of fingers)

2 onions, sliced as thinly as possible.

A few large tablespoons of greek yogurt

A splash of white wine vinegar

A couple tablespoons of maple syrup

Salt and Pepper

Throw all of the ingredients into a bowl and mix everything together using you hands to ensure all the veggies are coated in the dressing. Taste to see if the balance between zingy and sweet is right and add maple syrup and vinegar accordingly. The same can be said for the greek yogurt, if you like it creamier add some more.